One Week
April 8, 2009 at 9:20 am | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | Leave a CommentTags: Dementia, Family, GCM, Love
One week ago my beloved Mother passed away. She was my best friend and I cannot describe the pain I feel when I think about the fact that I will never hear her voice again. She was the heart and soul of our family and everything seems different now.
Rose was on Hospice Care for 10 weeks during which time she lived out her life with dignity and grace. It was during this time that she received her massage! She loved it. Our whole family worked together with the hospice to ensure all her needs were met and that she was kept as comfortable as possible. She received Geriatric Counseling from Distinctive Care’s own Bobbi who provided our family with an Ethical Will which although short and incomplete our family will treasure always. Bobbi encouraged my sister, brother and me to each write her a letter describing what she meant to us. Bobbi read these letters to my Mother and she enjoyed them so much that my Mother asked other loved ones to write her a letter. My niece, Danielle bought her a special folder to keep all her letters in and she kept the folder in bed with her at all times. She chose to be buried with her letters in her coffin by her side along with a jar of Vicks, a box of Mallomars, a bag of spearmint leave candies, a special poem my brother had presented her with years earlier and one red rose.
The day of her funeral was not a sad day. It was a celebration of her life and we saw to it that she left this world with the same dignity and grace by which she lived. Those who had written her letters read them at the repast luncheon and glasses of wine were lifted to her memory.
I had been very strong through all this. I read what I am told was a very touching eulogy and there was not a dry eye in the church except for mine. I couldn’t imagine what was wrong with me and was terrified as to what might happen once I did begin to cry.
It hit me on Sunday. Although I cried it was not the overwhelming waterfall I was expecting…but something very scary for someone who suffers from chronic depression happened. I took to my bed. This is an extremely frightening thing to happen to me as it usually means the crash will follow. I had to do something! So, Dan, Romeo and I went to visit my Mother. When we arrived at her graveside I was so pleased to see that all the beautiful flowers she received had been arranged like a blanket covering her. I didn’t say much to her…I just needed to be there. It helped a great deal and I felt much better…thankfully I have not taken to my bed again.
Last night Bobbi and I had our monthly Alzheimer’s caregiver support group meeting and I spoke of the challenges I was facing with my Father who suffers from mixed dementia as he has had a tremendous decline in cognition since my Mother’s initial diagnosis in January and had really gone downhill since her death. It was extremely helpful for me to get it out in the presence of others who understood my pain.
I spent the day today helping my Father with various banking issues and learned that my sister will be going back home to Florida on Thursday. She has been here for 7 weeks caring for our Mother and it is time for her to go home. I told her not to feel guilty, that she should go knowing she did everything she could. At the same time I am frightened about what this is going to mean to me, my family and my life as I officially become the primary cargiver for my Father. I was thinking I probably need a care manager! All kidding aside, I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that I will be there every step of the way as my Fathers continues his journey. I will practice what I preach and will accept help when it’s offered, will ask for help when it’s needed (and already have) and will be sure to practice self care because without me my Father would be lost.
I am sure I will share some aspects of our journey with you and hopefully we will be able to help each other. I do know one thing for sure. The past 10 weeks have made me a much better care manager and all my Clients and there caregivers will benefit from my experience.
Thank you Mom for teaching me so much right to the very end of your life.
I love you -
Sophia
A Sad Passing
April 1, 2009 at 12:42 pm | Posted in Mark Heftler, Admin | Leave a CommentTags: Family
The wonderful thing about running a blog for a family business is the transparency. We are who we write as, we’re people, we’re a face in front of a business not a suit hiding behind it. Hopefully you get to know us and we get to know you, you’re our constituents and our colleagues, friends and family. It’s all very personal.
So it is with great sadness that I wanted to let our readers know that my grandmother, Sophia’s mother, passed away yesterday morning. I’m sure Sophia will at some point write a message herself, but for now I wanted to let you know what was happening with out family.
I run my own personal blog, which I update disappointingly infrequently, but this definitely occasioned a heartfelt entry. I’m a writer, that’s what I do, and writing this I was able to achieve some solid closure. For anyone who knew her, or knows me, or simply wants to learn about an extraordinary woman, I encourage you to spare a moment and read it. http://snipr.com/ez2y1
Thank you for your readership, and your understanding.
Mark Heftler
My Siblings
January 31, 2009 at 5:36 pm | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | Leave a CommentTags: Family, Help, Siblings, Support
As I was driving home from my Mother’s house today I was thinking about how lucky I am to have siblings who have mobilized and are willing to help me with the caregiving responsibilities during my Mother’s illness.
My sister and her partner came up from Florida and are staying with my Mother. They are helping with the day to day activities including cooking, laundry and ensuring my Mother is comfortable.
My brother who lives in the same town as my parents has made himself available to pick things up at the mini-mart in town, help my Father manage a property he owns and in general do anything I’ve asked him to do. He was a big help in getting our Mother home from the hospital on her day of discharge and is checking in on her frequently.
My role is to manage the nursing care, pick up and prepare medications for administration, talk to the doctors and oversee Mom’s condition and medical needs.
I am very fortunate. Many of my Clients cannot depend on their children to get along and work together to ensure the responsibilities of caregiving. I spend a great deal of time mediating family issues and trying to encourage siblings to give up their old roles and to work together.
Below you will find a link that will bring you to an excellent article to help you if you are feeling overwhelmed with your caregiver role and are beginning to feel resentment toward your siblings.
There are many difficulties encountered when caring for an aging parent, but if you and your siblings can work together the experience can provide you with memories you can treasure forever.
http://www.agingcare.com/Featured-Stories/133240/Getting-Your-Siblings-to-Help-With-Caregiving.htm
I’m Back
January 28, 2009 at 10:43 pm | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | 2 CommentsTags: Family, Life, Personal
Hi Everyone -
It’s been some time since I have last written. My life has been quite turned around lately. As you know I am the primary caregiver for my father who has early stage dementia. Last week I found out that my mother (and my best friend) has terminal lung and pancreatic cancer. She is gravely ill and there is nothing that can be done for her. It has been such a surreal experience as I have been working as her care manager for the past week, arranging to bring her home, for hospice care and all her medications. My sister who is retired came up from Florida and I would have to say that she is Mom’s primary caregiver, staying in the house and providing care for her. I go to see her everyday and am involved with the hospice folks, yet I don’t really feel like I am a part of this. I feel like I am a care manager. I am in a very strange place right now.
It’s funny but I have never thought of my parents as elderly because they are so active and involved in their local senior citizens club, but when we were in the hospital and the emergency room doctor was giving report on my Mom he referred to her as a frail, elderly 81 year old woman. It was only then that I realized that they are elderly and I will shortly be faced with my Mother’s death. It’s pretty scary being on this end of the equation.
As a geriatric care manager I work with families in my situation every day and work very hard to provide them with the best care imaginable. I am available to them 24 hours a day 7 days a week and handle any crisis that comes their way. I love being a geriatric care manager and assisting my families. I am toying with the idea of having one of the wonderful nurses I have working with me take over as Mom’s care manager so I can just be her daughter, yet I find myself unwilling to give up control. This has certainly opened my eyes to what my Client family members must feel when they make the initial call to me. This is an awful situation to be in but I feel like it will be an incredible learning experience for me and that I will be able to share what I learn with those who work for Distinctive Care. I am going to tell my Mother that this experience is going to make me a better person, a better care manager and a better boss.
I encourage you to comment on this entry. It’s very personal and I would love to know what you think about how I am handling this situation and also to provide me with any advice you may have to offer me. Or you can contact me directly at sophia@distinctivecare.net or through our website www.distinctivecare.net.
Sophia
Memorial Service and The “Only Child”
January 13, 2009 at 8:00 am | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | Leave a CommentTags: Advocacy, Caregiver, Family, Only Child, Stress, Support, Tips
Just the other day I went to a memorial service for a Client of Distinctive Care Geriatric Care Management who had passed away. She was the mother of an only child and when I saw her adult daughter grieving it really made me think about the challenges faced by an only child caring for an elderly loved-one. Most people think about the ramifications of being an only child when they are young, but for most only children it is as they age and their parents become frail and elderly that the impact of being an only child becomes an issue.
Often the strong bond that only children share with their parents may mean that they take on the whole caregiving burden alone, often even though there are others around who are willing to help. There is a tendency to think they must sort everything out by themselves and want to give their parents the same 100% attention and dedication that they received from their parents growing up.
This often puts a strain on the only child as well on their relationships with others. Often times the only child feels torn between their own families and their jobs causing them to feel as though they are abandoning their own families and also to consider quitting their jobs to become a full-time caregiver.
Only children usually develop a strong network of friends – but need to be able to call on them during difficult times. The important thing for only children to remember is that they must let other family members and friends know what their needs are and when they need help. It is vital that only children allow themselves a break from caregiving to take time to enjoy the things they like to do.
Information and professional support are essential, though many people don’t realize how much help is available to them. Professional Geriatric Care Management is a service that can help only children cope with the challenges they face in caring for their parents. The Care Manager can assume so many of the aspects of caregiving, that the only child can get back to their own families, concentrate on their careers and get back to being the adult child of their parents.
For additional information on how Geriatric Care Management might be able to help you and your situation please contact us in our Ridgewood, NJ office at 201-857-5283. We are happy to speak with you and provide you with the information you require to “get your life back”.
Life History Review: I’m Excited About it!
January 12, 2009 at 8:00 am | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | 1 CommentTags: Advocacy, Caregiver, Family, Life History Review
One of the new products Distinctive Care Geriatric Care Management has introduced this year is geriatric counseling for both our Clients and their families. The thing that really excites me about this new offering is that we will be providing traditional counseling as well as Life History Review.
I just read an article in the January 7, 2009 edition of the Bergen Record. Tom Meuser, who directs gerontology graduate studies at the University of Missouri is quoted as saying, “Many elderly are helped by a life review. Such a review asks the questions, How do I feel about the life I have lived? Have I done the best that I can? Will I leave with a meaningful legacy? Do I have unfinished business? Am I despairing?”
While all the answers to these questions will not be positive, when reviewed in the presence of an experienced counselor the outcome of the review can be positive. The counselor can help people who are in despair become more able to come to terms with their faults and grant themselves forgiveness. Meuser says, “Some people will die in despair because someone never asked them their story – in effect to review their lives.”
So it’s very exciting to me that Distinctive Care Geriatric Care Management is on the cutting edge of this counseling technique and have brought our counselor, Barbara on board. Most recently Barbara has attended a course on Ethical Wills presented by The Valley Hospital of Ridgewood, NJ to learn more about the techniques used in life history review and to review the importance of this often neglected way for older adults to help get their affairs in order.
In addition to helping the Client, Barbara’s documentation of the Life History Review makes an invaluable gift of themselves for their family members by providing them with a historic legacy.
If you are interested in finding out more about Life History Reveiw, please contact Barbara at Distinctive Care 201-857-5283 to explore the possibilities available to you and your loved one.
Getting Through the Holidays
December 16, 2008 at 8:09 pm | Posted in Sophia Heftler, GCM | Leave a CommentTags: Caregiver, Family, Holidays, Seasonal, Tips
Caregiving is stressful under the best of circumstances; add the stress that comes along with the holidays and what often results is caregiver burnout. There are some things you can do to make the holidays more enjoyable for all.
One very important thing you should do is to prepare family members for changes your loved one has experienced since the last family gathering. You can do this by phone, email or letter, but be sure to use plain terms to describe how your loved one has changed both physically as well as behaviorally so that your visitors know what to expect once they arrive.
Another important thing to take care of when you are preparing your family members for the visit is to let them know that you will not participate in discussions or debates on how your loved one should be cared for. Often visitors will feel they are helping by offering advice and suggestions which may feel like criticism. It’s best to let everyone know in advance that if they would like to discuss your loved ones care that you will contact them after the holidays to hear their suggestions, advice and ideas.
Remember that it’s okay to ask for help, whether it’s help in preparing dinner or assistance putting up the tree. People really want to help, so don’t be afraid to ask. Perhaps this is the year that you start a new holiday tradition and have someone else host the holiday gathering. It’s important not to push yourself too hard and to find ways to enjoy the holiday without overdoing it.
Often people don’t understand what it is like to be a caregiver and may seem unsympathetic toward your situation. It’s times like this that you should reach out to others in similar situations by attending support groups geared toward caregivers who are in similar situations whether it be an Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s Disease, Stroke or any other type of support group. At this time it is helpful to be with others who understand what you and your loved one are experiencing and who can provide support.
Most importantly remember to take care of yourself even if it means writing them down in your calendar. Be sure to get enough sleep, to exercise and to eat nutritional meals. Caring for both your body and your emotions will help you to be prepared to handle the stress that often accompanies family gatherings.
As I mentioned earlier, support groups are very helpful to people who are involved in caregiving of a loved one. I am so happy to announce that beginning in February 2009 Distinctive Care Geriatric Care Management of Ridgewood, NJ will be running a support group in Ramsey, NJ on the first Monday of each month at 6pm at the Presbyterian church. As we get closer to the date I will be providing you with additional information and details. It’s exciting to put the skills we learned during our training with the Alzheimer’s Association to work to help caregivers throughout Bergen County, New Jersey.
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